Mission: accomplished

I'm still uncomfortably headachey. That's right, bitches, it's been 24 hours plus a 3-hour practice. I do what I say and I say what I do. Plus, Dan cleaned the sink. I'm the man!

There's still puke in our sink

It smells like ass in there. Where's Connie? I'm not cleaning it up.

So far so good

I'm uncomfortably headachey. Also, someone puked in our sink last night. Ugh.

Tonight's itinerary

First, we're having a team meeting in the suite where we establish goals for next semester. I'm pumped because I might get to make a speech about committing to going to practice and getting in shape and kicking ass at Wilmington. I love making speeches.

Then, we're pregaming for the COÖP party in our suite. I'm gonna challenge Greg to a speed-drinking contest and make him eat my ass. He's gonna eat it hard, too, because I've been practicing shotgunning Natty Ices for months. I love hazing rookies.

Finally, we're going to Sari and Abby's for the COÖP party. I'm gonna get so hazardously shit-faced that I feel uncomfortably headachey for the next 24 hours. I love getting hazardously shit-faced.

What if your name was Fuckles?

That's it. I'm just wondering. What if? That'd be pretty crazy, right?

Take that

I am a mastermind of fake e-mail accounts, mass messaging, and redemptive blogging. Assuming Lili's the only one who was in on the creation of my own fake blog.... Eh, so what if she wasn't? I'm the fucking man. EAT MY ASS, LIL' GOOBER!!!

Bert only dates Zerglings. And the occasional Terran.

I'm back

Okay. I've come to terms with this whole imposter situation. For the most part. I even have a good idea of who said online doppelganger might be, and let me tell you -- I'm gonna prank the shit out of her.

Existential emergency

Shit, guys. I just discovered the weirdest thing. I'm at a complete loss for words (except for all the ones I'm about to say). Seriously, anything I've ever thought was weird and uncomfortable before? Completely fucking forgettable compared to this.

I have an imposter.

You read that right. Someone out there has been pretending to be me on the internet, and has been UPDATING A FAKE BLOG FROM MY PERSPECTIVE FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH.

What the-- what am I supposed to do?! I can't even think! This is insane. This is just...shit, it even has readers. The fucking thing has comments from my friends responding to my posts, but it's NOT FUCKING ME. Who does this? Who fucking knows this much about me?

I don't know whether to be flattered or freaked out. I guess I'm a little of both, I guess. No, a lot of both. I'm very flattered -- it's kind of like I'm famous or something, right? And I'm a whole fucking lot freaked out.

I'm not sure where to proceed from here. Do I ignore it? Do I keep updating my own blog in the hopes that my true friends will know I'm the real Gui? Do I just...stop? I still can't think. My blogosphere has been turned upside down. I need to go suck on a Ritter Sport and spit it out before I ingest too much sugar. Updates to follow.*

*Or are they? Who even knows anymore?!

Thanksgiving hiatus

Oh, last night ended up being kind of fun, I guess. We invited Eliza and Nathan and friends over and drank and played board games. I like being really belligerent about games until everyone else gives up and I win (see, the problem with Smash is that it's impossible to do that), so I'm in a good mood again. Happy Thanksgiving! See you after the break.

Day 3

UGH.

Nothing good is happening.

Day 2

People are going out again tonight. I give up. Falling asleep to LCD Soundsystem fucking blasting from my laptop is more entertaining than anything anyone else is doing.

The worst is all the lovely weather.

Day 1

It's already happening. I just found out I have to go to La Negrita tonight for what will definitely turn out to be a boring, unoriginal, and un-entertaining time. Drinking at bars with friends? That's all anyone could come up with? Fuck. Why do they even try?

This week is going to suck

Thanksgiving is on Thursday, which means everyone's going to be boring and stupid and waiting for Thanksgiving for the next three days. It's so lame. I guarantee you nothing fun will happen.

Okay, now I really need them to come back

Milo and I don't really know how to clean all this birthday aftermath up. We washed a pot to make Annie's Mac and Cheese today, but now it's dirty again, and so is everything else, and we're lost and confused and don't know what to do.

This looks exactly like it did 48 hours ago.

Vindication, motherfuckers

Not that I've been checking scores, but Yale just lost in the fourth quarter. Suck it, assholes! Eat my poop!

I've been abandoned

Bert, Lili, and Connie are all in New Haven watching the Harvard-Yale Game. Ugh. Who watches sports when the Denver Nuggets aren't involved? I hope Yale loses in the fourth quarter. That'll teach them for not inviting me to come along. Not that I would, because, again, who watches sports when the Denver Nuggets aren't involved?

I'm old

Because it's my birthday,
I present this acrostic
Reporting, dear readers,
That I'm the fucking man, dick!
Happy 2-0 to this guy--
Dude's too awesome for words
And with Pork skills so nasty,
You'll be faked out in herds.

Please give me cool presents
Or at least let me win Smash.
Eat my ass, do my homework--
My big day's here at last!

Bert made this for me. And put it on my Facebook. Touché, Alphonso Chen.

I'm almost old

It's my birthday tomorrow. Man, I can't believe I'm turning 20.

Well, I can believe I'm turning 20, because I'm 19 now, and it's my birthday tomorrow, and I'm not, like, some kind of moping idiot that goes around complaining about how 20 means not being a teenager or a free-spirited child or whatever anymore. Dick.

No, I'm just confused because I think I might have to start celebrating or something pretty soon, but all I really want to do is sit here watching Ninjavideo and drifting off to sleep early to the sweet, soothing sounds of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia without a care in the world.

Actually, that's not a bad idea. See you on the flip side, suckers.

Super Smash Bros.: a theory

Maybe I'm bad at Smash because I haven't been making the right gaming faces. We played again after practice tonight, and despite there being many newcomers, I was still the worst by far. I was so bad that I got frustrated, stopped playing, and started watching people play instead. I concluded several things.

While Bert and I both make similar open-mouthed concentrating faces, he maintains his throughout the entire game, while mine tends to waver and change at times. I don't know how he does it -- must've taken years of practice. But it also seems like it definitely helps him.

Note how his barely changes while mine is all over the place. What a pro.

I also tend not to hold my game face while watching other people game. I think this has been a mistake. Bert watches third-party matches with almost the same intense game face he exhibits while he plays; I definitely have to start reminding myself to stay in the zone.

We'll see how I do next time around. It's been a pretty rough night, but with a little facial tweaking, I think I'll finally get it.

What not to do.

Nyah hah hah hah

I made this today. And put it on Bert's Facebook. Oh yeah! This is so funny. I got him so good. I got him so good, I most certainly am the man.

Flock of Berts!

I feel a little better

Now it's time for bed. I think I'll have myself a Natty Ice.

...Yeah, now that I said that, I guess I have to. And I guess I'll shotgun it, too. Yeah! Beer!

Dammit

I just realized Sally was at our party. She texted me! Why did I pass out so early? Now I'm sad.

I will console myself with copious amounts of Cheez-Its and TV.

Something weird and wonderful just happened to me

I had an action-packed day today. I woke up at 2 PM, which is pretty early for a weekend, and went downtown to see a friend for lunch. Then -- and this is where it gets weird -- I met up with Bert and Milo to go to this art exhibit called Zee. I can't find the exact words to describe it, but imagine for a moment that you spend twenty minutes getting skull-fucked by an incredible geometric projector-fog illusion, then go meet up with Lili and Genevieve for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner home-cooked by Milo's mom. I'd say that's pretty close.

Am I having a seizure? Am I dead? No way to tell.

...We're a happy family!

Something weird and uncomfortable just happened to me

Woah. There's no good way to explain what just happened, so I'll just say it -- I've been cleaning for the past four hours of my life.

Sure, I'm excited for this party, which is probably why I wanted to make the suite look presentable. But this wasn't just some throw-shit-in-the-garbage, get-my-dirty-laundry-off-the-couch, cursory little cleaning job. I scrubbed the sink. And the stove. I fucking ran out of paper towels and started using toilet paper. What the hell is wrong with me?

The weirdest part is, it wasn't like anyone forced me to do it. Hardly anyone was even around. In fact, they probably realized we're having a party tonight and aren't cleaning on purpose because they know they'd just have to clean again tomorrow. There's really no plausible excuse for this kind of behavior.

I'm so lost and confused. Please, someone, anyone, tell me what I've become! I think it felt good. I'm scared. Do I...like cleaning?

I'm gonna win

We're having a party tonight. Oh yeah.
It's a Lobster Rage Fist party. Oh yeah.
We're taping Natty Ice to the walls. Oh yeah.
And I'm hosting a Pork/Porquay Pre-Game with a really cheap buy-in so lots of people get to play and I get to fucking school them all. Oh yeah!

Once I incorporate these lobster hands into my fakes, I'll truly be unstoppable.

I have Google Wave, bitches

Eat my ass. Look what Lili took a screenshot of:

My first wave. (I'm awesome.)

She's probably even a 3.5, or maybe a 4

I'm seeing Sally tonight! I mean, we're not meeting up or anything. But I'm going to a party that she's Maybe Attending on Facebook, and so are two of her friends, so I'm pretty sure she'll show up.

God, she's so cute. I don't normally rate cuties that high on the scale, but she's definitely up there. Oh yeah, dude. Definitely.

I forgot what else I was going to say.

I took a nap just so I could see you in my dreams, Sally.

Oh yeah

Also, it was Dan's birthday today and we made Funfetti cake and I had waaay too much sugar. Ugh.

Happy diabetes, Waldo.

Today is the day for that rant

I have to go out to La Negrita tonight. I do NOT want to go. Why are people constantly inviting me to things? It's always, like, some random group of people who act like they're more than just acquaintances, and it's impossible to say no and not be rude. Ugh. It's almost like they want to be friends.

I mean, I'm sure I'll have fun tonight. But this happens constantly. Oh, and Facebook -- don't get me started on Facebook.

Too late. I'm already started. Facebook invitations are the worst. Why do you want me to come eat free food and socialize at your lame club event, Girl I Once Had Class With? What, do you think I'm actually gonna go to this benefit concert all the way in fucking Wien? What do I get if I go, some chips and salsa? A t-shirt? A sense of brotherhood and accomplishment for having supported a wonderful cause in a fun way? Gay. I'm unfriending you.

I participate in fall cleaning

Today everyone cleaned again. Ugh. I like that the suite's clean now, but the fact that I came in in the middle of that whole messy cleaning process made me have to pretend to participate. I threw a few things away, sure, but after my laundry experience, I just couldn't get into it.

I did, however, go through my Facebook and clean that up a lot. I narrowed down my pictures to just the top 110. So if, say, Sally's wandering around online one day and decides to look me up, she'll only get the best of the best of me. I hate that people tag me in so many dumb pictures. Ugh, it's almost as bad as getting invited to events I don't want to go to. But that's a rant for another day. For now, here are some awesome pictures I decided to keep tagged:

I'm the man.

I'm the man.

I'm the man.

Sally is a major cutie

I ran into Sally* in the EC elevators last night. I only interacted with her for the 8.5 seconds it took to ride the elevator up, but it was magical. She's so pretty and smart and cute and great. I would doink her in a heartbeat if I had a chance. Or if doinking only took 8.5 seconds.

*name changed to protect anonymity

Peanut butter fist

Oh, I almost forgot! Today, they gave us this huge container of peanut butter at the fields, and all I could think about was putting my entire fist in it, pulling it out, and sitting on the couch guzzling peanut butter off my hand. That'd be so sick, dude.

I'ma eatchu, lil' munchkin.

Ass-eating accomplished

15-9 over NYU -- ass was eaten.
14-5 over James Madison -- ass was devoured.

In the end, we lost universe point to Delaware in finals, but I'm surprisingly okay emotionally. I think this is because on the ride back home, we came up with sick names for every one of this year's Winter League teams:

• The Alphonso Chens
• The Alb0rt Ch0ns
• The Dongleberts
• Flock of Berts

Tentative jersey designs include Bert's face with a mustache, Bert's face on a bird, and Bert's face in a repeating paisley pattern across the entire front and back of a shirt.

N0mn0mn0m, I'm Alb0rt Ch0n. Put my face on your clothes, bitch.

Score report and snore report

Beat Temple and Princeton; lost to James Madison 11-10. We're playing James Madison tomorrow, though, and I fully expect to fuck them up.

I have to go downtown to (Le) Poisson Rouge now. But I'm so tired! Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I just wanna smoke, go to sleep, and prepare for NYU to eat my ass. Updates to follow.

Seriously

EAT IT, NYU AND/OR MIAMI HEAT. LET THE ASS BE EATEN!
Watching the game is making me too excited. I can't wait to play tomorrow. We haven't played Pork in forever and I can't wait to play sports. I love sports. I'm gonna focus, gonna play some sick D, gonna OH MY GOD DWYANE WADE IS SUCH A SCRUB!!! SUCK IT, BITCH!!!!!!!!

NYU can eat my ass

I'm so pumped for this weekend's tournament, man. I've been visualizing a few throws and practicing a few pivots -- oh man, there's this nasty inside-out forehand I'm gonna try, and I'm just gonna kill it. LET'S GO!

More like video LAME

I'm sad. Bert and Milo and Dan keep hanging out and playing video games. First it was HoN, then MarioKart, and now Smash. They know how bad I am at video games! Ugh, even Connie's better than I am. I bet Genevieve and Lili would be, too, if they ever tried. I hope they don't. I can't be the worst.

Anyway, today they were playing for so long that I ended up doing my econ homework -- the entire problem set! Can you believe it? Then I got tired and fell asleep on the table. Don't get me wrong; I love playing video games. I was even the one who bought our N64. But being bad at stuff sucks.

I'm so cute! I'm dreaming of the Super Smash Bros. Eating my ass.

Lighting shit on fire: an American pastime

There are a few things you can do when you find Milo's bottle of 151 just sitting around the suite, but surprisingly, siphoning it into a flask for later and pretending to Milo that you have no idea what happened isn't first on the list. What is? Lighting shots on fire and watching them burn out, of course!

Smokin'! Also, there's a shotglass on fire.

THANK GOD

They're back! I have friends!!!

I'm fucking bored

Ugh, everyone's gone for fall break. I guess I'll take a brief hiatus from blogging. There's nothing to write about, anyway. No one's here to entertain me. No one's even home. No Bert to warn against soda! No Milo to pork! The only way this suite could get farther from normal is if Dan showed up. I'm all alone, NinjaVideo my only friend.

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Meow meow?

Meow meow!

Cleaning is bad again

Laundry sucks. Suck my poop, Four Absurdly Large Loads of Laundry I Have to Lug All the Way Across the Hall in the Middle of the Night. Suck it long and suck it hard.

I have an absurdly large load for you to suck on, too.

Cleaning isn't that bad

I just threw away four brown paper HamDel bags, six V8 cans, and fifteen Cheez-It bags in one fell swoop! Then I found an empty Cheez-It box and a Styrofoam container full of old Chinese food under the couch, and threw them both away -- even the one that wasn't mine! I am such a productive member of this suite. Plus, I got to keep all the change I found in the couch. EC vending machines, here I come!

Turning over a new leaf

Okay, I feel a little bad about how much of the suite's mess is my fault these days (about 90% of it). I just started noticing the trash everywhere this past week, probably because Connie hasn't been home to clean it up. Anyway, I've decided to help by picking up a few of my things and maybe vacuuming a couple easily-accessible patches of carpet. Updates to follow.

One man's trash is another man's measure

I really like leaving my shit around the suite. I feel kind of like a cat marking his territory, you know? Everyone else leaves their anonymous little cups and plates and food wrappers lying around, but I think my trash really stands out. Who else's V8 cans and Cheez-It bags would those be? Who else would dedicate the time and apathy to building such imposing sock mountains? That's right, bitch -- that patch of floor by the couch and the laundry chairs is mine.

The world is my litter box.

Why individual cans are better than economy-sized bottles

They just are. If you're not convinced, take a look at this list I made of other people's lame arguments against cans and my flawless rebuttals:

• But they contain smaller volumes of liquid! They're pre-portioned, man. That's so perfect for helping people measure and limit their sugar intake -- especially people who lack self-control when it comes to drinking V8 (and who doesn't?).
  
• But they're comparably more expensive! I gladly pay for comfort and convenience. What's better than an ice-cold can of vegetable juice, all ready to go and perfect for pairing with a hot HamDel sandwich? (Besides Natty Ice, of course.)
  
• But they're not sold everywhere! Neither are bottles, douchewad. And cans are sold in the only place that really matters -- HamDel.
• But they negatively impact the environment! So do bottles, douchewad. Also? Fuck the environment.
  

Deli sandwich overload

In addition to there being no Cheez-Its in the vending machines last night, there weren't any cans of V8 at HamDel. I'm pretty sure that's what threw me off my game, because I ended up eating HamDel three times yesterday. One of those times, I even got gummy worms. Fuck, that's a lot of sugar! Hopefully, things will go back to normal soon. If not, I may have to start drinking V8 out of the bottle. Ugh. Cans are so much better.

Welcome to my blog, dick.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and I've decided to start writing them down. Did you know, for example, that a 12-ounce can of V8 contains 11 whole grams of sugar? I've been thinking about this recently, and even though 11 grams isn't bad compared to the 39 grams found in a can of soda, the 42 grams found in just ten gummy worms, and the whopping 230 grams found in just one cup of sugar, I'll admit it's been making me a little sad.

Then, yesterday, I found out the EC vending machines were completely out of Cheez-Its, and I got really sad. So after I got back from practice, I asked myself how other people make themselves feel better in depressing situations. That's how this blog was born.

So if you're here to tease me or mock me or generally be a jerk about the fact that I have a blog, go do something pointlessly douchey with your own life and stay the fuck away from mine, prick. If you're here because you were wandering the internet and got lost, this should get you back on track. If you're here to read and learn and be entertained by my thoughts, welcome...you can stay, I guess.