Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Meow meow?

Meow meow!

Cleaning is bad again

Laundry sucks. Suck my poop, Four Absurdly Large Loads of Laundry I Have to Lug All the Way Across the Hall in the Middle of the Night. Suck it long and suck it hard.

I have an absurdly large load for you to suck on, too.

Cleaning isn't that bad

I just threw away four brown paper HamDel bags, six V8 cans, and fifteen Cheez-It bags in one fell swoop! Then I found an empty Cheez-It box and a Styrofoam container full of old Chinese food under the couch, and threw them both away -- even the one that wasn't mine! I am such a productive member of this suite. Plus, I got to keep all the change I found in the couch. EC vending machines, here I come!

Turning over a new leaf

Okay, I feel a little bad about how much of the suite's mess is my fault these days (about 90% of it). I just started noticing the trash everywhere this past week, probably because Connie hasn't been home to clean it up. Anyway, I've decided to help by picking up a few of my things and maybe vacuuming a couple easily-accessible patches of carpet. Updates to follow.

One man's trash is another man's measure

I really like leaving my shit around the suite. I feel kind of like a cat marking his territory, you know? Everyone else leaves their anonymous little cups and plates and food wrappers lying around, but I think my trash really stands out. Who else's V8 cans and Cheez-It bags would those be? Who else would dedicate the time and apathy to building such imposing sock mountains? That's right, bitch -- that patch of floor by the couch and the laundry chairs is mine.

The world is my litter box.

Why individual cans are better than economy-sized bottles

They just are. If you're not convinced, take a look at this list I made of other people's lame arguments against cans and my flawless rebuttals:

• But they contain smaller volumes of liquid! They're pre-portioned, man. That's so perfect for helping people measure and limit their sugar intake -- especially people who lack self-control when it comes to drinking V8 (and who doesn't?).
  
• But they're comparably more expensive! I gladly pay for comfort and convenience. What's better than an ice-cold can of vegetable juice, all ready to go and perfect for pairing with a hot HamDel sandwich? (Besides Natty Ice, of course.)
  
• But they're not sold everywhere! Neither are bottles, douchewad. And cans are sold in the only place that really matters -- HamDel.
• But they negatively impact the environment! So do bottles, douchewad. Also? Fuck the environment.
  

Deli sandwich overload

In addition to there being no Cheez-Its in the vending machines last night, there weren't any cans of V8 at HamDel. I'm pretty sure that's what threw me off my game, because I ended up eating HamDel three times yesterday. One of those times, I even got gummy worms. Fuck, that's a lot of sugar! Hopefully, things will go back to normal soon. If not, I may have to start drinking V8 out of the bottle. Ugh. Cans are so much better.

Welcome to my blog, dick.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and I've decided to start writing them down. Did you know, for example, that a 12-ounce can of V8 contains 11 whole grams of sugar? I've been thinking about this recently, and even though 11 grams isn't bad compared to the 39 grams found in a can of soda, the 42 grams found in just ten gummy worms, and the whopping 230 grams found in just one cup of sugar, I'll admit it's been making me a little sad.

Then, yesterday, I found out the EC vending machines were completely out of Cheez-Its, and I got really sad. So after I got back from practice, I asked myself how other people make themselves feel better in depressing situations. That's how this blog was born.

So if you're here to tease me or mock me or generally be a jerk about the fact that I have a blog, go do something pointlessly douchey with your own life and stay the fuck away from mine, prick. If you're here because you were wandering the internet and got lost, this should get you back on track. If you're here to read and learn and be entertained by my thoughts, welcome...you can stay, I guess.