Still not too old

Today marks a very important day in my life, because it's the 365th-to-last day I'll be able to pawn car-renting responsibilities off on someone else.  I mean, obviously I'll still be lazy as balls and make other people do it for me years from now, but this is the last year I can do that without anyone suspecting I'm lazy as balls.

So eat my ass and rent me a car, turds.  I'm 24!

I'm older

I've been pretty busy obsessing over tournament stats and working on my rap career, so I haven't posted in a while, but today, I'm feeling philosophical.

Birthday. What is a birthday? A combination of two one-syllabled words, one a noun, and the other a noun that serves as an adjective. I like birthdays all right. But you know what I like more? Horsemeat. Nutrage. Spacedong. Those are some classy words.

One more classy word: shotgun. It's time for me to go do that to some shitty beer. Happy 21st, me!

Don't call it a comeback.

Take that

I am a mastermind of fake e-mail accounts, mass messaging, and redemptive blogging. Assuming Lili's the only one who was in on the creation of my own fake blog.... Eh, so what if she wasn't? I'm the fucking man. EAT MY ASS, LIL' GOOBER!!!

Bert only dates Zerglings. And the occasional Terran.

Day 3

UGH.

Nothing good is happening.

Day 2

People are going out again tonight. I give up. Falling asleep to LCD Soundsystem fucking blasting from my laptop is more entertaining than anything anyone else is doing.

The worst is all the lovely weather.

Okay, now I really need them to come back

Milo and I don't really know how to clean all this birthday aftermath up. We washed a pot to make Annie's Mac and Cheese today, but now it's dirty again, and so is everything else, and we're lost and confused and don't know what to do.

This looks exactly like it did 48 hours ago.

I'm old

Because it's my birthday,
I present this acrostic
Reporting, dear readers,
That I'm the fucking man, dick!
Happy 2-0 to this guy--
Dude's too awesome for words
And with Pork skills so nasty,
You'll be faked out in herds.

Please give me cool presents
Or at least let me win Smash.
Eat my ass, do my homework--
My big day's here at last!

Bert made this for me. And put it on my Facebook. Touché, Alphonso Chen.

Super Smash Bros.: a theory

Maybe I'm bad at Smash because I haven't been making the right gaming faces. We played again after practice tonight, and despite there being many newcomers, I was still the worst by far. I was so bad that I got frustrated, stopped playing, and started watching people play instead. I concluded several things.

While Bert and I both make similar open-mouthed concentrating faces, he maintains his throughout the entire game, while mine tends to waver and change at times. I don't know how he does it -- must've taken years of practice. But it also seems like it definitely helps him.

Note how his barely changes while mine is all over the place. What a pro.

I also tend not to hold my game face while watching other people game. I think this has been a mistake. Bert watches third-party matches with almost the same intense game face he exhibits while he plays; I definitely have to start reminding myself to stay in the zone.

We'll see how I do next time around. It's been a pretty rough night, but with a little facial tweaking, I think I'll finally get it.

What not to do.

Something weird and wonderful just happened to me

I had an action-packed day today. I woke up at 2 PM, which is pretty early for a weekend, and went downtown to see a friend for lunch. Then -- and this is where it gets weird -- I met up with Bert and Milo to go to this art exhibit called Zee. I can't find the exact words to describe it, but imagine for a moment that you spend twenty minutes getting skull-fucked by an incredible geometric projector-fog illusion, then go meet up with Lili and Genevieve for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner home-cooked by Milo's mom. I'd say that's pretty close.

Am I having a seizure? Am I dead? No way to tell.

...We're a happy family!

I'm gonna win

We're having a party tonight. Oh yeah.
It's a Lobster Rage Fist party. Oh yeah.
We're taping Natty Ice to the walls. Oh yeah.
And I'm hosting a Pork/Porquay Pre-Game with a really cheap buy-in so lots of people get to play and I get to fucking school them all. Oh yeah!

Once I incorporate these lobster hands into my fakes, I'll truly be unstoppable.

I have Google Wave, bitches

Eat my ass. Look what Lili took a screenshot of:

My first wave. (I'm awesome.)

She's probably even a 3.5, or maybe a 4

I'm seeing Sally tonight! I mean, we're not meeting up or anything. But I'm going to a party that she's Maybe Attending on Facebook, and so are two of her friends, so I'm pretty sure she'll show up.

God, she's so cute. I don't normally rate cuties that high on the scale, but she's definitely up there. Oh yeah, dude. Definitely.

I forgot what else I was going to say.

I took a nap just so I could see you in my dreams, Sally.

Oh yeah

Also, it was Dan's birthday today and we made Funfetti cake and I had waaay too much sugar. Ugh.

Happy diabetes, Waldo.

I participate in fall cleaning

Today everyone cleaned again. Ugh. I like that the suite's clean now, but the fact that I came in in the middle of that whole messy cleaning process made me have to pretend to participate. I threw a few things away, sure, but after my laundry experience, I just couldn't get into it.

I did, however, go through my Facebook and clean that up a lot. I narrowed down my pictures to just the top 110. So if, say, Sally's wandering around online one day and decides to look me up, she'll only get the best of the best of me. I hate that people tag me in so many dumb pictures. Ugh, it's almost as bad as getting invited to events I don't want to go to. But that's a rant for another day. For now, here are some awesome pictures I decided to keep tagged:

I'm the man.

I'm the man.

I'm the man.

Peanut butter fist

Oh, I almost forgot! Today, they gave us this huge container of peanut butter at the fields, and all I could think about was putting my entire fist in it, pulling it out, and sitting on the couch guzzling peanut butter off my hand. That'd be so sick, dude.

I'ma eatchu, lil' munchkin.

Ass-eating accomplished

15-9 over NYU -- ass was eaten.
14-5 over James Madison -- ass was devoured.

In the end, we lost universe point to Delaware in finals, but I'm surprisingly okay emotionally. I think this is because on the ride back home, we came up with sick names for every one of this year's Winter League teams:

• The Alphonso Chens
• The Alb0rt Ch0ns
• The Dongleberts
• Flock of Berts

Tentative jersey designs include Bert's face with a mustache, Bert's face on a bird, and Bert's face in a repeating paisley pattern across the entire front and back of a shirt.

N0mn0mn0m, I'm Alb0rt Ch0n. Put my face on your clothes, bitch.

More like video LAME

I'm sad. Bert and Milo and Dan keep hanging out and playing video games. First it was HoN, then MarioKart, and now Smash. They know how bad I am at video games! Ugh, even Connie's better than I am. I bet Genevieve and Lili would be, too, if they ever tried. I hope they don't. I can't be the worst.

Anyway, today they were playing for so long that I ended up doing my econ homework -- the entire problem set! Can you believe it? Then I got tired and fell asleep on the table. Don't get me wrong; I love playing video games. I was even the one who bought our N64. But being bad at stuff sucks.

I'm so cute! I'm dreaming of the Super Smash Bros. Eating my ass.

Lighting shit on fire: an American pastime

There are a few things you can do when you find Milo's bottle of 151 just sitting around the suite, but surprisingly, siphoning it into a flask for later and pretending to Milo that you have no idea what happened isn't first on the list. What is? Lighting shots on fire and watching them burn out, of course!

Smokin'! Also, there's a shotglass on fire.

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Meow meow?

Meow meow!

Cleaning is bad again

Laundry sucks. Suck my poop, Four Absurdly Large Loads of Laundry I Have to Lug All the Way Across the Hall in the Middle of the Night. Suck it long and suck it hard.

I have an absurdly large load for you to suck on, too.